Nice things I have done IIII

I went away for the bank hols to see an old friend of mine, firstly to diffuse the home situation and give it some ’space’ and secondly, because I hadn’t seen her for a while.

Anyway, I got back on Sunday night and the flat was an absolute tip, so on Monday I cleaned up all the mess that the b/friend had created. Considering he wasn’t even talking to me at the time I thought that WAS bloody nice of me.

Human Remains………..

that is what my friend who works in HR ( that’s Human Resources to you, mate) calls what we do.

Hmm, well, from the employees point of view we enforce all their contractual rights to the letter, following policies and procedures to ensure that everyone should, in effect be treated with equality.  What that actually means is, if the management make a decision that staff don’t like, it’s generally the HR staff that get the flack.

From the big people at the top, it is purely an arse covering exercise. Most bosses I have met think that HR is all fluffy bunny and hand-holding. Maybe to some extent they are right, after all, don’t you want a well-trained, well-interviewed, well-inducted new person starting with their little eyes all gleaming with excitement when they first start at your business? or some gloomy, slack jawed, bored and apparently under-paid moaner who should just put up and shut up.

The funniest thing about working in HR departments is that you realise that the worst people who moan and complain, are……you guessed it…….the HR DEPARTMENT!

Goes to show you that these days no-one is happy with their lot…….ever, no matter what you give them.

Enjoy the bank holiday weekend……..looking forward to Tuesday already ( fnar!) 

New friends

I have a new internet friend.

I already have one ‘penpal’ in the states who is also a b/p and she and I email each other daily, she is a lovely person and a great support, and I hope that I help her as much as she helps me.

But this is another kind of internet friend- firstly he is male, and secondly he is also a b/p, and I found him on a specific site. I have told him that I am in a relationship and not really looking for anything and he was quite happy to accept that and say that being a b/p you need all the friends you can get.

It’s nice to know that in this bizarre and baffling world there are always other people that are willing to communicate, and I know that there are people out there who read this blog, I hope it gives them a laugh or they just enjoy the voyeuristic aspect of reading the dull minuti of my life, but occasionally I would like a comment! ( hint hint!) 

How is it working out for me?…..crazy meds

Well, given all the ‘drama’ that is happening at the moment with my personal life, I am remarkably calm and must seem in control (believe me, if I wasn’t someone at work would have spotted it REAL quick, there are a few people who like to feed off other people’s troubles aren’t there?).

I now feel pretty good, the first few weeks I was quite (excuse me) windy, with occasional loose bowls, but nothing serious. I haven’t noticed any hair loss or any changes to my appetite. Given that I have all this hassle at home I have pretty much given up cooking at home in the evenings, and am existing on a sandwich a day ( if my mum knew this she would be furious!)

But, as mood stabiliser’s go, this one seems to be working for me, I tried lamotrigine last year and it didn’t help at all, I just spiralled into a messy depression that meant a month off work and then I had to wait a further month to see Occupational Health before they would let me go back to work!

What if it was a veiled threat?

Just had a nasty thought, about the b/f text last night. What if he is eluding to committing some horrendous self-damage? The whole ‘leaving the issue about the money’ and not ranting and raving at me as usual? What if he is now behaving in classic victim behaviour, and wants me to rescue him, only to resent me later. What if the whole relationship is all co-dependent and not one side dependant as he always had me believe? what if what if?

what if I just pack up, and make a slow wander home and stop worrying about other people?

Great idea!

Nice things I have done III

erm, I mowed my mum’s lawn over the weekend……..does that count?

Jury’s verdict……I’M not the crazy one!

After a brief straw poll among a few well chosen people, I have been ‘cleared’ of potentially manic behaviour. These people include, my pdoc, my mother and two of my closest friends ( who knew me pre-diagnoses). To wit, I conclude, that, it is now not me with the ‘issues’.

I took my friends advice and hot footed it to my mother’s for the weekend, safe in the knowledge that whilst there, no-one was going to keep ranting and raving at me. Once returned on Sunday night, however, he started again. Seems he had spent the entire weekend in his dressing gown playing computer games, drinking vast quantities of whiskey and eating takeaway pizza. I suspect he also hadn’t washed. Now, you can call me crazy ( and many people do!), but when I am low that is the sort of thing I do ( nothing, just stew in my own juices!).

Anyway, he is just pining for attention, and yesterday I got a text ‘ Don’t know if you plan to come home tonight but have made a decision which will a) clarify the reason for the situation b) make it longer before you have to stoop to selling all your things I have bought you c) benefit you financially’.

Typically, I don’t rise to the bait, I just ignore it and I trotted off home to watch Neighbours, and ignored him. He said ‘ seeing as you think it’s all about money then you can keep your 2 grand’ and I said ‘ but?……’waiting for there to be more and there wasn’t. So I left it, watched TV and went to bed.

I got up this morning and he was still in bed, I left at 8.30 and he was still in bed. He is over-sleeping…….classic sign of depression. For god’s sake…….after the way he has been behaving does he want me to feel guilty now because he is sick? Friday morning he was threatening me with a solicitor, Sunday night he was threatening to throw me out on the street, last night he has ‘forgotten’ all about it??? Does this sound like a rational person to you? well, does it??

‘I suggest you seriously examine your behaviour’—–am I manic???

( said in a headmaster’s type voice!)

‘Not really much to say to you until you decide what you are doing but would seriously suggest you examine your behaviour this week if you are capable of that at the moment.Either you are getting the wrong effect from the pills, are going manic and in for a huge crash, or have changed for the worse’

 This was the text message that I got this morning from the b/f. Last night I went out, had a few drinks and stayed over at a friends house, I DID call him and tell him I wasn’t coming home. However, he obviously has got the hump because I didn’t go home and cook his dinner. He is trying to manipulate me into thinking that I am ill. It is a good job that we are not married, because given half the chance he would probably try to get me committed.

I haven’t told him that I am moving out yet. And he is behaving very strangely indeed. I have been frantically sending emails about the situation to all my friends today, and they are all advising me to steer as clear from him as possible, and go to my mums for the weekend. Which I think is a good idea, but she will try to persuade me to stay with him, and I don’t want to.

 Maybe the whole ‘living on my own’ thing is selfsih, but I know I don’t want to live with him and continue to be manipulated like this……happiness is a room of my own!

My mind is made up, I will take option c please!

So, I went to have a chat with a mate of mine last night. He and his wife have a flat and are about to move into a house and he will let the flat out to me fully furnished and even get it painted. He dropped the price by 50 quid, apparently, as it ‘was me’ and as he

‘knows me’.  I was a bit surprised that he was keen to help me out, given that the only reason I know him is because my current b/f introduced us, and I imagined that my mate may have felt more loyalty to his ‘male’ friend. But, no, it seems. I guess to him it’s only business.

Anyway, I got home and he still wasn’t talking to me, he mumbled ‘good evening’ and then ignored me, so I ignored him. I also ignored the overflowing bin, the food rotting in the fridge, the dirty laundry and all the other household tasks that I normally undertake of an evening.

Which is childish, I know, but I am on a roll now, and now I have decided that I will be leaving I have to stick to my course of action. Of course, in order NOT to aggravate him, I have not told him yet, and I realise that HE realises that if he does push me and I leave before I pay him my monthly ‘dues’ then he may be stuck financially……..but he still doesn’t know what I intend to do yet……..he can merely guess.

Three of my friends have been supportive of this move so far, one hasn’t commented ( she has heard all this before and probably doubts my seriousness) and my mother is probably just praying that I don’t return to live with her!! But I know I will be happier living on my own, eventually. I am even happier in my work place, I feel much more relaxed. I don’t know whether this is due to the medication finally settling in, or just me having the knowledge that I have made the decision……..I just don’t want another night of sitting around ignoring each other.

Stand up for yourself woman II

Not content with last nights shinanighans, I felt emboldened, and rather like the new, improved, braver me. So I tried it again.

At work.

In a meeting.

With another HR professional from the council present. My boss, who is soon to be leaving the esteemed organisation, has put her services forward to the principal as a potential ‘consultant’, where she will bill him her hours, however, given that she will be co-ordinating all this from 70 miles away, she will apparently be instructing me by phone.This time I made a statement about some ‘work’ that was expected to be done. Everyone (except me) had expected me to be the one to be doing this work. The principal and my boss belittled the work saying ‘it’s not that much work is it?’, to which I responded, ‘ with respect, it’s not you that has to do this work’.

I then tackled other queries about annual assessments, my boss went pale and explained that she had not done them as she has 28 members of staff presently, I asked her who she thought would be doing this when she left, and that is when they decided to tell me that ’someone else’ had been suggested to take the role. To which I asked ‘but I thought we had no money?’. No one spoke.

Anyway, I think I made my point. They are paying me admin money and expecting consultantative work.  I was perfectly even tempered and calm about it, but I didn’t want them to think that I was a muppet. Seems that they already do. Oh, what the hell, it’s only a badly paid, dull and uninteresting job, after all!