Am I showing hypomanic symptoms?

Maybe I should review myself a bit:

erm, increased energy……well, yes, yesterday I went for a 5 mile run, I don’t normally do that during the week, but I could feel all this energy ‘bubbling up’ inside me.

Early waking……..yep, yesterday and today I was awake at 5am and in the office at 8.10 ( I think my bosses think I must have shit the bed!)

heightened sexuality…….erm, embarrasing to admit, but on Tuesday night I was texting a few guys I have previously erm, ‘known’ to try and get a ‘booty call’. Then yesterday I was emailing another one to try and arrange a seperate booty call……..seems like I have ‘unleashed the beast’.

Excessive drinking……..well, not last night, I was pretty bladdered on Tuesday night, and happy as a pig in shite being very amusing on Wednesday night……but I am eating……..honest! more than one meal a day too!!

But I am finding it hard to concentrate, and I don’t feel any irritation ( yet!). My next appointment is with the pdoc on Monday afternoon, I have set up a potential shag for Monday evening! who knows, after the pdoc appointment maybe I will back out?? maybe the potential shag will back out? why after 2 years of no sex am I suddenly overcome with the unbearable urge to rub myself up against any man that walks past me??

Maybe I should get a chastity belt?

haahahahhaahahahahhahahahaahhaha!

Ex boyfriend is a petulant child!

Basically.

Yesterday he called me on my direct line, probably to try and ‘freak me out’ and it didn’t work. He told me that I had a lot of ‘important looking’ post and that I should come to the flat to collect it. I suggested posting the keys, he said ‘no things get lost in the post’. I told him I had a meeting to go to and would call him later.

 Then he persisted in texting me in the evening on the pretext that he needs the keys for his flat back so that the surveyor can get in. I suggested that he collect them from my workplace and drop off the post at the same time, and also that he didn’t call me at work, he countered with ‘ no can’t as am working too early and get back too late’.

Then at 7.30 this morning I get another snotty text saying that he had only just received the last bit of my text about not calling at work, he said ‘Only called because you ignored text for over a week so had no choice, if keys appear tonight then have no reason or desire to call again’.

Boo Hoo! (snigger!), my heart is breaking! Good riddance to him I say. Even though I have moments when I feel a bit lonely, I would rather that than live with that bullying, manipulating, lazy, arrogant,snobby, personall hygiene lacking git any day!

This evening I will go to his flat and collect my post and drop off his keys, I just hope that he isn’t there, as when I see him I feel sick ( and not in a pleasant ‘butterflies in your tummy kinda way either!’)

Funny story: last night I went to Primark ( well, I call it Primarni’s) and bought a pair of linen trousers for 8 quid ( bargain!), this morning I got dressed and left the size label on the back of my leg…….walked all the way into work with it on………..what is even worse is that I checked myself before I left the house this morning……..I also had on so much blusher I looked like cocoa the clown!

Shrug off other people’s shit……..the Chain of Pain

Although I like to think of myself as a kind, empathic person, I have come to the recent conclusion that some people just like to moan about their predicaments to me. There is a kind of wierd ‘one-up-man-ship’ that some people derive from this ( particulary women) in that once they know you have a mental illness, they then try to ‘top’ that with their latest drama, hoping to illicit some sympathy. I haev seen it referred to as

‘ the Chain of pain’

Well, today is a good example. My work colleague came in, she was sick last week and she still isn’t any better this week. She has had a face like thunder all day, I know she has been waiting for the opportunity to tell me all her ‘woes’.

Then she did.

My mate( also female) emailed me to tell me that a) she is sick again b) her relationship is all going tits up.

The thing is these people don’t want advice, and even if you offered it they wouldn’t take it, they just want to let off steam and in the process, show you how brave they are to be putting up with all these ‘issues’.

I mean, in the grand scheme of things, with infanticide, murder, global debt, and man’s general inhumanity towards it’s self and mother nature, is that issue really THAT IMPORTANT?

My answer is, NO.

If you are not in a predicament where you are likely to be:

a) homeless

b) jobless

c) income-less

d) have your liberty taken away from you without your consent and have drugs shoved into you

e) raped and or physically or mentally abused

Then you aren’t really having a BIG PROBLEM.

And you know what? This morning I was dog-tired. I slept from 9.30 last night to 7.30 this morning, I did NOT want to get out of bed and crawl into work, but I knew that it was the illness talking and not me, so I HAD to make the effort. And I have, and I am proud of myself.

In other news, the ex has now tried other tactics to try and rattle my cage, he called me on my direct dial phone at work. He says that there is post for me, and it ‘looks important’. I seriously doubt that. I suggested posting his keys back to him, and he said ‘ no, in case they get lost in the post’. I told him I had a meeting to go to so I had to go and I would call him later.

Maybe I will, maybe I won’t, manipulating b*stard is just trying to upset me, I was only upset because he invaded my WORK, where I have to always remain calm and objective.

That is quite enough ranting for today.

How to be in a room full of people and still feel alone…….

Tragic title, isn’t it?

Well, after a ‘wholesome’ weekend at my mothers’ house, being ‘kept busy’ and mixing it up with her pals (2 hours of which was spent looking after a 2 year old rug-rat), I was pleased to be able to get back on the old faithful national express to get back to my solitary confinement.

I was surprised how busy my mother’s life actually is compared to mine, and to be honest, not a little jealous. Her phone rings continously, there are always offers of nights out and she is always ‘busy’ doing something. Whereas I spent an inproporationate amount of time reading, making a fuss of her dog and wondering why no-one ever phoned me!

We went for Indian food on Saturday night with 2 of her friends, and by 11pm I really had had enough of people. So we made our excuses and left. By Sunday, I was still an ‘oscar the grouch’ but decided I would go for a short run as sometimes that helps. I got back and my mum started talking to me and it all just sounded too shrill.

We had lunch, and I dropped off on the sofa, the phone rang incessantly and my sister also called to ‘check up’ on what was going on. They had a guarded conversation, as they weren’t sure how awake I was, but my mother assured her that ‘ I was fine, yes I had moved out of the boyfriends flat, but I seemed ok’.

I sent a text message to my admirer on Saturday to see how he was getting on. No response, not even all day Sunday. So, after I got home last night I sent him a text message saying that if he couldn’t be bothered to let me know how he was doing, I couldn’t be bothered and not to contact me again, also that I thought he was carrying too much extra baggage from his divorce.

Maybe that sounds harsh, but I don’t have time for losers like that. He made a big deal about ‘when are you coming down for dinner?’, then sends me an email saying that ‘ he couldn’t afford it’…….he is a 40 year old man, not a 16 year old kid!

By the time I got back to the flat I was really fed up, and even considered not coming into work, but by doing that, I am ‘giving up’ and I figured it would be good for me. So I was in the office by 8.15 this morning, but I don’t feel any better for it. I am doing the ‘painted smile’ face, but I am finding it really hard work. All I want to do is crawl into bed and sleep.

Everything seems so lack-lustre today. I must be getting ill, I need to make a plan, and soon!

Patience is a virtue……blah, blah, blah

So I get an email today from the recruitment consultant regarding that job I went for last week. Sounds like I maybe ‘oversold’ myself(??) because she ( the boss lady) is concerned that the role may not have enough substance in it to keep me interested. Maybe I came across as incredibly clever?? WTF? how did I do that?

So, next meeting/interview will be set up for the 3rd July, which seems like a long time away (especially when you don’t have any other ‘dramas’ going on in your life at the time).

So…..patience is required.

I crashed out last night. The guy came over and fixed my toilet and so now it flushes- hurrah!!. The strange flat mates were nowhere to be seen, but they had let themselves into my room( there is no lock!) during the day, took my clothes off the chair and took the chair away. I guess I was lucky that they also didn’t take my stereo, the microwave and the kettle! Maybe by the end of today they will have properly moved out and I will go back and they will have taken everything! Who knows?

Work is pretty quiet so I have been surfing the net aimlessly. I have even signed up for okcupid because I like some of the tests, they are silly and fun and I need a laugh.

I also miss not having a TV. But I don’t want to go round to the ex boyfriends to pick it up, it’s too heavy for one thing and also if I see the state of the place I will just be upset, he has no idea how to look after himself…….

Tomorrow will be a busy day as I have nasty meetings to attend( mega yawn) then I am going off to the countryside for the weekend, at least I will get a few nights proper sleep!

Next stop……dullsville!!, toot toot!

I suppose that it had to happen, really. After weeks of living in a constant state of anxiety and unhappiness, once it has all calmed down and the dust has settled you think to yourself: now what?

Well, I want things to go faster!! Like, the job interview on Friday, have I heard anything about WHEN I am likely to be called for a second interview: No. 

Maybe I am being bolshy, but I think, frankly, that is just rude.

My toilet is still not flushed…..it’s ridiculous to have to swill down your own excrement with a bucket of water.

My job currently feels soul destroying. I spent time last night in my friends restaurant with him and a girl I only know vaguely, but I got the distinct impression that they don’t really ‘like’ me and were just being ‘tolerant’. This could be down to maybe me feeling a little paranoid and isolated at the moment, and maybe I am not as well as I thought I was.  But this starts the cycle, I avoid people I know because I percieve that they don’t like me, and then I end up completely isolated…..etc etc.

I wonder if this is a common trait for bipolar sufferers? We find it hard to read other people’s faces and mis-interpret responses? and then assume it is because WE are wierd.

Hmmmm, more thought required on that one I think.

All alone in the big bad world again!

And, to be honest, it is more scary than I remember it. Or maybe it’s because of the boyfriends constant brain-f*ck comments about how I would never manage alone that has made me feel like this. Either that or the horrible living conditions that I am in at the moment??

I also realise how really ALONE I am. My job has moments where I am busy, but I wouldn’t really say that I have people at work who are my ‘friends’ and I hang out with them. My other friends have all made all the right noises about my move, but I haven’t seen any of them, they are all too busy having a life, whilst at the moment, mine seems to have sort of halted a bit.

The toilet in the flat doesn’t flush. So I told the Dad of the friend and someone should come and fix it tonight. The Dad told me he wants 90 quid a week for this place. Then the girlfriend of the couple who were supposed to be moving out came in, it seems they haven ’split’ or something, and he told her she could stay for 75 quid a week. I wouldn’t mind but I heard the whole conversation, not only that, he doesn’t even know her, he has known me for 3 years! It’s not likely that I am gonna be spray painting the word ‘C**t* on his bathroom wall ( like one of the previous tenants!)…….it’s not my style.

When I objected to the fact that this girl was paying less he said ‘yeah, but you can afford it, you will be paying much more than that when you move into my son’s flat’. That is not the point, it is the principle. It has made me really question whether it is worth staying here in this area or go back home, but I don’t want to admit defeat.

Freedom! But at what price??

Well, I finally moved out yesterday. At last. And I was so relieved to pack up and get out. The last few weeks I have had a stomach like a tumble-dryer (although I suspect that it also may have had something to do with the valproate). Nerves-they make my stomach upset.

It is hardly a palace, this flat I am in at the moment. A previous tenant has walked (? well, staggered I imagine) out with the washing machine. The TV is busted and on it’s side, there are broken windows everywhere. There is one other tenant and his girlfriend who were supposed to have moved on Saturday, but keep coming and going all the time. There are no curtains, and my room faces onto the main high street. Directly across the road is a pub that is, lets say, predominately for the diversivly interesting, and when closing time comes it makes even me blush to hear some of their loud ‘conversations’.

There was relative peace last night between about 1.30 and 4 and then the traffic started again…..I am tired today, I am just not used to all that noise and light!

On Friday I was A Good Girl, I went to get my bloods done ( again!) as for some reason the last time they didn’t do my liver blood tests. Then I had a job interview with a local company and spent most of the afternoon worrying about it. I sat on the sofa in the b/f’s flat and he noticed I had tremmors. When I went home (after the interview) and via my friends restaurant he launched one of his ‘attacks’ at me and yet again I was a ‘f*&king fruit loop’ because I had the tremmors!!!

Saturday was horrible, I packed and he ignored me all day, my stomach kept on going like a tumble dryer.

But, I feel like a butterfly has come out of it’s crysalis……..about to start a new stage in my life. I have decided that I MOST certainly am not looking to get into a relationship of any type for quite some time, however, I am being persued by a couple of people at the moment, one of who knows my current situation ( and also happens to be a married man with children- the beast!) and the other who happens to be divorced but carries a LOT of baggage with him.

I think that I probably must have a sign around my head that says ‘ all losers please apply here’………………. 

Nice things I have done …..V…..

I have recently been assisting one of my friends who is setting up a business in central london with some ideas about how to make his business more ethical and altruistic.

I told him that it would benefit his company to do the following:

a) set up a charity subsidary company so that any wastage ( it will be a cafe type restaurant) can go through these books making them tax free and can be distributed to people like Shelter

b) He can then set up a slush fund of all the VAT he has saved and create a TRUST for which homeless and disabled people ( clients who use Access to Work) can then apply for an apprentiship, so they can earn while they learn and get some basic skills to make them employable.

c) Investigated who to contact in the area so that meetings can be arranged with his architects, surveyors, the local authority, Access to Work so that these people can all see that from the OUTSET he intends to employ people with disabilities, it is not merely ‘hype’, it will be a fully functioning business.

Anyway, it is an exciting project, and one that I will enjoy getting my teeth into in a big way, after all, the reason why I wanted to do HR in the first place was to find out what made people tick…..and now here is my chance. 

”I think you are hypomanic”

” and you are going to have a huge crash in 6 months time and you will come crying to me to bail you out because you will be depressed and won’t be able to pay your rent and won’t be able to work”. Was what the bad tempered boyfriend said last night when I staggered in, having quaffed a few glasses of plonk and carrying a bag of chips.

My doctor doesn’t agree, and neither does my mother, or my friends, and I am sleeping perfectly, not bouncing off the walls at all! I don’t understand it…….where does he get this idea? 

He then told me that he had been told that someone had made an offer to buy on the rented flat we are both currently residing in, but he didn’t tell me when he was supposed to move out by. He then said ‘I have no money for a deposit on a new flat’ ( and aparently that is also my fault.

I tried protesting that I didn’t want to be a burden to anyone and that we don’t have a proper boyfriend/girlfriend relationship anyway, and that he should accept that.

I cried and went to bed. He stayed up ironing his work shirts because he has some wanky sales-mans get together once a month and they all get drunk and tell each other how brilliant they are (basic willy-waving exercise).

And to think he persuaded me on Tuesday not to move out today ( Wednesday) and to leave it till the weekend……and I agreed!! what an idiot!