Riding(and having ridden) the crest of the romantic/lust filled wave…….

It all now crashes to shore. In a few short days what was a wonderful, intoxicating, fun, exillerating, intense sexual/romantic liaison is now becoming increasingly HUM DRUM.

Seems that C has not gone to work today. He ‘can’t face all his bosses shit’ and they have apparently had a physical fight before (? the mind boggles). He is now skulking around at his place, avoiding the gmail sign-in incase someone at work spots he is on-line, and he has ’switched his phone off’.

So the text I sent earlier that said ‘ period has finished, hurrah, when are you up for some mind blowing sex gorgeous?xx’

is now pretty much redundant…….bugger. He has become a miserable, self -obsessed ( yeah, pot and kettle. whatever!), bore. Doesn’t he get it? I want him to be FUN! and I want to have a LAUGH! and have crazy sex and be wild together, not have him skulking about questioning himself to the point of complete inertia.

Bugger. It’s all my fault for telling him that he can’t love anyone until he loves himself and that the only person in this world that will make him happy is HIMSELF.

Shite, should have kept my big fat mouth SHUT!

The end of the affair?

Is it all over before it began? Quite possibly.

I weakened, I went over to see C. I had to, as he told me matter of factly that he ‘didn’t have enough money to get the train over to my place, and can’t get hold of his mum to borrow some off her’.

This is a 33 year old man we are talking about here, not a teenager! and he can’t get himself together enough to manage his finances?

When I got there I bought 2 bottles of wine. Halfway through the second one C decided we should get another one, so I paid, again.

We then had a ‘discussion’, where by now I was slightly stoned and drunk, but basically he thinks it is all going too fast and I then told him that I was falling in love with him. That freaked him out. Freaked me out too actually.

So I suggested that I get a cab home, he said no, then I suggested that we make our relationship more casual and he said no to that too. We went to bed and I took some olanzapine and slept. Sunday morning, both of us very quiet, and he was fretting because I was SO quiet, but the meds make me like that, which is what I told him. I felt like he wanted me to go, so I got the 1.45 train, he walked me to the station holding my hand and said ‘ i’ll call you later’.

I wish he hadn’t said that. Because then I spend the rest of the day looking at my mobile phone. When he did call, I was outside and I called him back. I started the conversation about ‘maybe we need some space’ and he said ‘ I really don’t want to be having this conversation on the phone, I’ll speak to you tomorrow’. No text ‘ good night darling’ last night. I think it could be the end.

Well, it was fun while it lasted!

Textual healing!!!!!

Hrmph! a grumble of discontentedness.

C finally texted me yesterday afternoon to tell me that he had been ‘caving’ in the Yorkshire dales and had decided that he wanted to ’switch off the world for a while’.

He called yesterday evening and I told him that I had been concerned for his welfare, (given that he has told me that he is also bipolar although undiagnosed, however I didn’t mention that), and asked him how he would feel had I done the same thing……his response ‘very sorry, hadn’t thought of it’.

Bet he had, I think it was a case of a man ‘going into his cave’ like they mention in the book Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. Anyway, issue over, he then mentioned again that he wanted me to come to his place for the weekend. I told him that I would have to let him know. He seemed disheartened, good, I thought, he has to know that I am not going to just jump whenever he says so. Also, given the fact that he intends to get back home today  ( Friday) and ‘do some work’. What he really means is that he will be out drinking with his mate Andy. He really must think I am dumb.

Anyway, in other news I have been offered a 2 bedroom flat, and am going to view it on Sunday with my friend Alex. I am hoping to persuade Alex to move in with me, as a sort of ploy. Firstly, it will probably show C that I am a force to be reckoned with, and will make my own decisions, and secondly I suspect that C wants to move in with me, and I am not ready for that……no way!

I say that because he has left his toothbrush and deodorant in prominant display in my bathroom, just like a cat who sprays their scent somewhere. A few days ago I asked him if he realised his toothbrush was at my place and he said ‘ oh, yeah, I have another one here with me’. I teased him and called him a slut and asked him where else he left his toothbrushes…….he did snigger, eventually.

Am starting to wonder if he has a drink problem, and I am certainly NOT going to get involved with him if that is the case.

Anyway, more news on Monday

And then when it does, it’s your Pdoc

in a panic, following our last conversation where I told him I was considering getting pregnant. He has since been ‘thinking about it’ and ‘discussing it with various colleagues’ and he has told me that he wants me to stop taking the valproate as soon as I can, to lower the dose over the next few days and then stop and he will call me next week to see how I am doing.

I haven’t the heart to tell him that I stopped about a month ago, because that would be admitting to lying to him, and I don’t want to do that. Let him think that it is all his idea……his masterplan………men love that don’t they?

The agony of waiting for the phone to ring……

This is what I hate about getting into a relationship.

The games. My mind bending, mind fuck, ridiculous games, with phones……why do people do it? I know I was a little guilty of it by sending him a text suggesting I come up, but, it’s not NOT communicating is it?

C has not responded to my text of yesterday morning. I called him at 5pm yesterday and his phone was switched off. I tried throughout the evening, still switched off ( I didn’t leave a message). Then this morning, I called, still switched off ( no message), so then I sent a text at 11.am asking if he was ok. STILL no answer, and it is now 1.30pm.

My friend Alex and I were talking about this over dinner last night. Alex (male) called me and the first thing he asked was ‘ Has C called yet?’. In this respect, Alex is like a gay man, he LOVES to sit and ruminate about relationships, you know, who said what and what they may haev meant etc etc.

Alex said that he thinks it could be that C has lost his phone/had it stolen/broken it/lost the charger. I said that I hope for his sake that he has, because if there is no good reason for behaving like this other than he is being a gameplaying tosser then I will have very little problem with kicking him to the curb…….rather brutal possibly, but too bad eh?

Text games!

C called me after I had left work yesterday, but we couldn’t have a proper conversation as he was giving me a blow by blow account of the fact that T was hanging her socks out of their hotel room window, whilst he sat in the garden below.

He mentioned that they( well , she, I mean T) wanted to stay an extra night, but that he wasn’t so sure. He then said that he wanted me to come over to his place at the weekend as his flat mate would be away. I didn’t respond immediately, I was considering whether T’s sudden requirement to stay an extra night was a manipulative act on her part. He seemed concerned that I didn’t respond and I just told him I was thinking and that he should tell me when he had decided what he was planning to do.

He told me they had been for a very long walk up a lovely mountain and that there had been waterfalls and it was very picturesque and that he would love to take me there. I told him that I didn’t have any holiday planned, and that now I am about to start my new job, I wouldn’t be able to take holiday for 3 months from the 28th August. Well, it’s true.

By now, T was getting restless and was hollering something at C to get his attention, and he was responding! I just said ’ You had better go, don’ t keep madam waiting!’. There was definately a touch of sacarine in my tone, but he didn’t spot it.

The call completed, I felt wretched, really disheartened, and pissed off.

Later that evening, whilst sitting and watching the sunset with a glass of rose ( and a spliff!) I sent him a text:

‘ sitting in the yellow bedroom looking at the broken bed……he he’

response ‘ sitting here looking at the cards ( some hippy belief cards that I had given him before he left) and thinking of you. Thinking of you a lot, actually. I miss you, big hugs and kisses xxx.

I responded ‘ am more than a little scared to be honest, its the depth of feeling, its overwhelming.x’

C said ‘ i know baby, it scares me too,thats why we need to take this one day at a time, I want this to work, we just have to take it easy baby xx

I said ‘ poets write prose about it, singers sing about it and writers write about it, but the only people who truly comprehend it is those who experience it’ ( deep eh? well, I was stoned!)

He said ‘ not only comprehend it, but do it too ! xx’

I said ‘ typical, I was trying to be romantic and you go all smutty!’

he said ‘ I know you were, but for once I was lost for words, which is nigh on impossible for me, but I do miss you loads.xx.

Fine, I left it there, later I sent this and it sent him into a flat spin!

‘ I just had an idea, why don’t I come up on Thursday night and come back with you two?’

This freaked him out, and by now I had crashed out in bed and the phone was under the covers, so I didn’t hear it buzz his reponses:

‘ You could, be we aren’t staying an extra night now, they are having a wedding and they need the room. But that means you can come to me for the whole weekend x

then ‘ Look I have no problem with you coming up, there is nothing funny going on, I do really like you, but I want you to just come here with me thats all, T being here would spoil it, trust me on this. I do want you.xx’

Poor C, I didn’t respond all night. I texted him this morning to say ‘ sweetie, I was just kidding! Do you really think I would gatecrash your holiday! Bless! Have a nice relaxing day. Big hugs x.

Yeah, I am a bit of a cow for doing that to him maybe? I just thought I would see how he reacted, it is pretty telling that I hadn’t inferred that I thought there was something funny going on, yet he had to tell me that there wasn’t anything funny going on………..so was there? 

He hasn’t texted me back yet today, I imagine that he is probably quite hungover this morning, and also probably not too pleased at my text saying I was kidding (I was, there is no way I was going to trawl up to Lancashire to bust up his happy holiday and upset T, I need to keep her on side, even though I am suspicious of her motives, and also suspicious of his feelings for her.

Anyway, I have one of my old male friends coming over tonight, so that will keep me fully occupied. Also, Myra has promised to do me a tarot card reading……should be interesting!

Eat my words : see June 11th

Where I declared that I most certainly wasn’t going to have a relationship of any kind for quite a while.

Oh how weak the flesh!

So now I ask myself: 1) how well do I really know C?

2) Is it because we have mind blowing sex and he calls me ‘baby/sexy/darling?’ and brings me coffee in bed and pops over to sainsburys to get my cigarettes

3) Is it just because I am maybe a bit lonely and in need of some company? I dispute this somewhat, as I am spending a lot of time doing the recruitment work for my friends new business and seeing my friends. Besides, I like my own company.

Possibly felt a little vulnerable because yesterday I was in a bad way and no-one bothered to call and check I was ok, even my mother, who knew, but probably avoided calling me because she knew I would rip her head of!

C won’t be back until Friday. Which is no big deal, as I generally don’t see him until the weekends anyway, he tends to like to stay at T’s ( his best girlfriend) at least one night during the week.

I never thought of myself as a jealous person, but the realisation that I may well be is absolutely abhorrent to me. And I don’t know what to do about it.

Handing in your notice

Which I wasn’t looking forward to, but I did it today. And, my boss was entirely too pleasant about it, which didn’t help. I told her it was a case of finances and career progression and she totally understood. What I would have liked her to do was to try and persuade me to stay, or find me more money so I wouldn’t have to go to the new lions’ den of my new job on the 28th August.

Be careful what you wish for because it may come true……aint that the truth?

Pain in the neck

Honestly, I had a cyst removed from the back of my neck yesterday. A small and unimpressive operation, and I was not at all bothered about it. Until the doctor started to caueterise the wound and I could smell my own flesh burning, and I freaked out. I was sweating and hyperventalating and retching…..there was snot and mascara all over the place.

Very embarrasing, especially when you are supposed to be an ‘in control 36 year old woman’.

The nurses ( after they had held me down so that the doctor could stitch me up) advised that I didn’t go into work for the rest of the day. So I went to my friends restaurant and ordered 3 baileys and brandy.

Then I texted C to see how his day was going. He was totally oblivious, he was out to lunch with his dad ( and here is the mildly irritating line ) : ‘T says Hi’.

Yeah, thanks for that T, rub my nose in the fact that YOU are all the way up there in Lancashire having a great time with MY boyfriend and his dad. I sent him a text saying that I was ‘not so good, lots of stitches and best I speak to him another day’.

Then we had a telephonic abysis. Three hours later I got a response, he had apparently gotten pissed and passed out. Then more silence. Fine, but I was suddenly feeling very sorry for myself, NO-ONE had bothered to call and ask how I was. He had even forgotten about it ( to be fair, I hadn’t made a big deal about it before he left). By 10pm last night, I had had a couple of glasses of wine and I wanted to talk to him, if only to tell him how pissed off I was. Phone switched off, so I left a voicemail, bright and breezy.

30 mins later I was more agitated, so I sent a text ‘why is your phone off, who are you avoiding?’…..no reply

1 hour later and  by now I was seriously fed up, so another text: NOT HAPPY.

Sure enough, 9.30 this morning, a text ‘ are you alright babe?’.

Then the excuses:’ I left my phone in the room and the battery died and when I got back at 2 am I was drunk and noticed and just plugged it in, sorry darling how are you feeling today?’

Anyways, he says he will call when I leave work this afternoon. Frankly I may not even answer the call, I don’t like feeling like I am constantly hanging around waiting for a phone call, I don’t like the feeling of being trapped at all. 

Men are like buses………SO TRUE!

So, last night wasn’t my night to see the new boyfriend ( lets call him C). He was going out with his best friend for her (lets call her T) birthday, and then staying over hers. He(C) apparently even has his own room, and leaves clean shirts and pants there…….but he carries his toothbrush around in his laptop bag. Yeah, I thought it was a bit strange too. They are going on holiday together next week. I am not the jealous type, but he (C) is constantly talking about her (T), and told me that people ‘assume that they are a couple’. I wonder if I may be stepping on another woman’s toes? or perhaps he doesn’t realise that he could possibly be in love with her?

I don’t know, and I am not going to overthink it. Just thought that I would bring it up, as I am about to start talking about past relationships and how they haunt you.

My ex husband (lets call him JK) is currently working abroad. He goes over to the states every month. Before he left last time, we had a deep conversation on the phone. He wanted to meet up with me in London, go for dinner and spend the night together. His travel plans changed following the terrorist activities at Glascow airport, so he flew via Luton instead. I was a little disappointed, quite honestly.

Last night I got a text message saying ‘ don’t call me in Miami it’s too expensive’ ( I hadn’t done!), then another text saying

‘ hope everything is ok?’, I responded  ‘yes, fine thanks’.

Now I have a text asking if I still would like to meet up on his return to the UK.

My ex husband (JK) has a live-in 3 year relationship going on. I did ask him when we spoke if he loved her, and he said ‘yes’. I then asked him ‘ well if you do, why do you want to sleep with me?’ and he said ‘ I don’t know’.

Since I met C I haven’t given my ex-husband (JK) or my ex-boyfriend(lets call himE) a second thought. Which is odd, I was with my ex husband(JK) 4 years and my ex boyfriend(E) 3 and a half ( but 6 months of that we weren’t together, I was hypomanic and wanted to live alone). Anyway, what I am wondering is, am I being held in some kind of emotional kid-knapping scenario here?

I have always loved my ex husband. Even when I divorced him. Even when I told him to ‘fuck off’. Even when I met my last boyfriend. If I meet up with him, and he just wants sex, and then he goes back to his girlfriend, I could be seriously wounded. I would also feel like I had betrayed my new boyfriend if I have sex with my ex husband. Surely it would mean that I can’t move on?

Last night I was sorting out some website stuff for one of my friends, with a new friend(lets call him JC) who is building it. He ended up at my place and staying over. In my bed (I slept in my dressing gown). When I woke up this morning,(JC) he was hugging me and naked, I tried not to over-react and dismissed it as something I fully expected. If my new boyfriend knew this would he be happy? I doubt it.

Anyway, so although I haven’t done anything wrong, I feel guilty. I feel guilty to be even thinking about meeting up with my ex husband.

It’s not fair, I haven’t done anything wrong, and yet, I feel guilty. Perhaps I am lying to myself. Maybe I am better off alone and miserable?