Possibly the last post for a while!

Things are changing drastically in my working life. I finish my current job today and am starting a new one on Tuesday, and as yet, we don’t have internet at home.

I didn’t see C on Wednesday night as promised as he had a migraine. I was a little pissed off, especially as I offered to come over and bring him some medication, and then he ignored my calls until about 9pm Wednesday night. By then I was also sick though, with an upset stomach and I felt like absolute hell. Anyway, after spending all day yesterday in bed and having not even bothered to tell him that I was sick, he evetually realised when I was at home at 1. 30 in the afternoon that something was wrong. I got a text from him that afternoon asking me to come over to his for the weekend as his flat mate was going to be away. I didn’t respond immediately, I thought I would let him wait ( very healthy for him!). So what do you know, as usual I am falling over myself to do his bidding! Well, I guess that is what love is all about! I am half imagining a text or phone call to cancel any time now. I am also really hoping that they don’t make a big fuss of me here and that I can just sneak out the back door. They have been known to have cakes and tea and stuff when someone leaves, and I certainly don’t want that, I think I would die of embarrasment.

Anyway, my last post for a while, lets hope I can keep stable, although it is doubful as I was still wide awake at 5.30 am this morning,,,,,,,today just doesn’t seem to be going quick enough!

Bye for now!

True love??

So this is a nice post, and one that I hope should anyone read it will make them feel uplifted.

I have spent a good 4 days with C, we went away and had a wonderful time. We truly enjoy each others company, AND he can cope with me when I get manic, not only that, but he doesn’t hold it against me when I am more ’stable’ by reminding me of things that I have done and said. The only thing he does mention is his lack of sleep.

I now get this wonderful warm feeling whenever I think of him, or look at him. I constantly want to touch him whenever I am near him. It is VERY apparent to my new flat mate A that we are in love and he has known me for about 5 years.

My only worry now is that I could potentially mess it all up by being too demanding ( see previous posts about me calling him and telling him to get a taxi over to see me, and then hanging up on him when he wouldn’t!). So I have to be calm.

I haven’t seen him now since Monday afternoon, and he chose to see me today ( wednesday night), as he knew I had work to do for my friends yesterday. But we speak on the phone, and his voice is full of kindness. He called me at 7.00 am this morning for my ‘wake-up call’ and he was so sweet, he said

 ’ don’t fall back to sleep now darling!, I’ll speak to you later’.

I know he is the one that I want to spend the rest of my life with, no matter what. Just knowing that he exists makes my heart sing with happiness. I am the luckiest girl in the world!!

I wish that everyone could experience this once in their lifetime.

flatness overwhelming…mood turn??

The weather has changed today, wet and grey, and it doesn’t help.

Last night I felt genuinely tired, and I only had one glass of wine. I was in bed by 9.30pm, and I slept fitfully. C texted me at 10.30 pm wishing me g’night, but I couldn’t be bothered to text him back, I had nothing to say.

This morning I woke up to rain. Tootled around the flat vaguely and ironed, washed and preened myself. Walked into the office listening to some upbeat tunes to cheer me up. I have been here 3 hours now and I am bored shitless, I am trying to think of an excuse to go home, or maybe take a half day? but I only have a few days holiday left.

I have emailed C and have had no response, chances are he is still asleep. He does a lot of that, but justifys it that he stays up late into the early hours of the morning. I think it is all part of his OCD, and that he needs more serotonin, so it is all linked with a form of depression.

I am supposed to meet my friend this evening to help out with the business, but I am not in the mood, I feel selfish for thinking that I just want to curl up in my spooky flat and leave the world alone for a while. I don’t even feel like I want to see C. It may be time for me to make an appointment to see the pdoc before this gets out of hand.

He says he loves me but is not ‘in love’ with me

Apparently.

So I guess he does fancy me, otherwise we wouldn’t be having sex. And I guess the affection he feels for me is geniune, because he could have said he was in love with me, but he didn’t. He told me in the kitchen, and I was completely dumb struck, my heart started pounding, and I asked him to feel my chest.

The day before he had been in tears, on his knees in the kitchen telling me how much happier he has been since we got together and how much more confident and sure of himself he feels since we started seeing each other. I certainly cannot take all the credit for that, and I told him so. But it was nice to feel that I may have contributed in some way to his happiness.

We went to Eastbourne for the weekend. We had a good time. We lay on the beach on saturday, talking occasionally and laughing. We only had sex once, but it was incredibly intense, the way he was looking into my eyes, I nearly cried, but pulled myself together in time.

We made a lot of new friends, who told us things like ‘ you seem to have an electricity running between you’ and ‘you look so comfortable and happy together I would have thought you had been together for years’.

There is no doubt in my mind that I am in love with him, and I love him. I am now at the point where I am scared, in case it all goes wrong. He is now not working, he has told me that he will not be paying his rent to his flat mate this month, he will ask him to take the money from his deposit. It worries me slightly that he may be angling to move in with me, although he hasn’t yet asked me. While we were away we looked at the house prices and he suggested we buy a place together at the seaside with enough rooms to rent out. He obviously wants to live with me, but he knows that Alex will be moving in with me on the 20th August.

When I got home yesterday the thought of him lingered in my mind. I can’t seem to shake it off. Then I had a terrible hallucination, and got scared. I called him and he calmed me down and told me to take some of my meds, which I did. Then he called me at 8.00am as an ‘alarm call’, I think he just wanted to check that I was alright and I hadn’t hurt myself during the night. He is very considerate like that.

He had mentioned that he would come over on Wednesday night, but I got an email saying he would be over on Tuesday, as he wanted to help out the marketing guy, who I am seeing tomorrow. I don’t know if he really does want to help, or if he is just angling to get involved in my latest project. I don’t think even HE knows what he wants.

I am scared of how quickly we are getting attached to each other. People now ask me when they call ‘how is C? where is he today?’, like we are an old married couple.

All I hope is that this doesn’t burn out too quickly, and that I can maintain some distance so I don’t get too hurt. What am I so scared of?

Aching loneliness?

I guess it must be because I have just moved into a new empty flat, and I haven’t spent a lot of time there, so it feels like one of those faux ‘room set ups’ that they do in places like Ikea, and it doesn’t look too disimilar either, its all white and laminate flooring.

Anyway, I was a bit low last night. I called my ex husband yesterday in Miami and he is talking about how he is still there because they keep extending his workload, and that by the end of the year he will be there permanently. I was pleased for him because that is what he always wanted, but he didn’t sound happy. Some people never are. Then I felt crappy because it would mean that I couldn’t just hop on a train and go see him, even if I felt like I wanted to. Pure selfishness on my part.

Must have been a day for me hassling my ex- partners, because I texted E and asked him if I could get my TV and Futon back. He texted me some acid reply saying ‘ oh well, you could have done if you hadn’t ripped me off, but then, that’s life, shit happens’.

What?? I texted him back ‘ no-one ripped you off you stupid cunt’……there followed an accusation from him that I should ‘ see a professional’ because I have ‘anger issues’.

This from a guy who I recently found out was sacked because he pinned a colleague up against a hotel room wall ( he tried to strangle him), his personal hygiene was shoddy, and the other staff and even the clients didn’t want to do business with him because he was so rude, arrogant and aggressive………and I have anger issues?? I don’t think so!!

Anyway, that upset me ( obviously!). I spent 3 and a half years with this guy and this is how he behaves? twat.

I think I may have dumped C……..

but I was so drunk when he called last night I really don’t remember exactly the conversation…….maybe he dumped me. All I know by looking at my mobile today is that he called at 7.45pm last night, and I remember being in my friends restaurant and C saying something about how he couldn’t come over and me saying something like’ I’m not bothered’ and hanging up on him.

Then I sent him a text at 11.45 pm saying ‘ it’s all about you. You forgot about me’. Precisely WHAT that meant was probably something to do with the fact that everytime he spoke or emailed me yesterday all he went on about was HIS boss, HIS job, HIS health, how HE felt, and not one question about me………maybe I am just being selfish, but I had had enough of it last night. I spoke to him at about 5pm and asked him over, he said ‘ I am tired and feel lousy, can we talk about it tomorrow?’. I told him that this was the second time I had asked him over and he had refused, so that I wouldn’t ask him again, as I was fed up of being rebuffed all the time.

And now I am severely screwed up. Last night I was flirting with 2 guys who work in the indian restaurant next door to my friends restaurant. I even had drinks and a starter with them, for FREE……..What the hell sort of vibe was I giving off.

Not content with that, I went back to my flat and called up another guy I have been emailing who is also B/P. We talked and after about an hour I started getting saucy. I was doing phone sex with a man who I haven’t EVEN MET…….I was promising that I would go down to see him in Somerset and have wild and crazy sex and stay at his place.

WHAT WAS I THINKING??????

Now I am in work, I am still pissed, I have NO work to do. I have called C and left him a message to call me back.

He probably won’t. I have fucked up royaly. I know I am ill, I just don’t know what to do about it. Maybe I should just go home, take some olanzapine and go to bed. The rest of the week I could take off as holiday………………

I think that sounds like a plan.

Riding(and having ridden) the crest of the romantic/lust filled wave…….

It all now crashes to shore. In a few short days what was a wonderful, intoxicating, fun, exillerating, intense sexual/romantic liaison is now becoming increasingly HUM DRUM.

Seems that C has not gone to work today. He ‘can’t face all his bosses shit’ and they have apparently had a physical fight before (? the mind boggles). He is now skulking around at his place, avoiding the gmail sign-in incase someone at work spots he is on-line, and he has ’switched his phone off’.

So the text I sent earlier that said ‘ period has finished, hurrah, when are you up for some mind blowing sex gorgeous?xx’

is now pretty much redundant…….bugger. He has become a miserable, self -obsessed ( yeah, pot and kettle. whatever!), bore. Doesn’t he get it? I want him to be FUN! and I want to have a LAUGH! and have crazy sex and be wild together, not have him skulking about questioning himself to the point of complete inertia.

Bugger. It’s all my fault for telling him that he can’t love anyone until he loves himself and that the only person in this world that will make him happy is HIMSELF.

Shite, should have kept my big fat mouth SHUT!

The end of the affair?

Is it all over before it began? Quite possibly.

I weakened, I went over to see C. I had to, as he told me matter of factly that he ‘didn’t have enough money to get the train over to my place, and can’t get hold of his mum to borrow some off her’.

This is a 33 year old man we are talking about here, not a teenager! and he can’t get himself together enough to manage his finances?

When I got there I bought 2 bottles of wine. Halfway through the second one C decided we should get another one, so I paid, again.

We then had a ‘discussion’, where by now I was slightly stoned and drunk, but basically he thinks it is all going too fast and I then told him that I was falling in love with him. That freaked him out. Freaked me out too actually.

So I suggested that I get a cab home, he said no, then I suggested that we make our relationship more casual and he said no to that too. We went to bed and I took some olanzapine and slept. Sunday morning, both of us very quiet, and he was fretting because I was SO quiet, but the meds make me like that, which is what I told him. I felt like he wanted me to go, so I got the 1.45 train, he walked me to the station holding my hand and said ‘ i’ll call you later’.

I wish he hadn’t said that. Because then I spend the rest of the day looking at my mobile phone. When he did call, I was outside and I called him back. I started the conversation about ‘maybe we need some space’ and he said ‘ I really don’t want to be having this conversation on the phone, I’ll speak to you tomorrow’. No text ‘ good night darling’ last night. I think it could be the end.

Well, it was fun while it lasted!

Textual healing!!!!!

Hrmph! a grumble of discontentedness.

C finally texted me yesterday afternoon to tell me that he had been ‘caving’ in the Yorkshire dales and had decided that he wanted to ’switch off the world for a while’.

He called yesterday evening and I told him that I had been concerned for his welfare, (given that he has told me that he is also bipolar although undiagnosed, however I didn’t mention that), and asked him how he would feel had I done the same thing……his response ‘very sorry, hadn’t thought of it’.

Bet he had, I think it was a case of a man ‘going into his cave’ like they mention in the book Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. Anyway, issue over, he then mentioned again that he wanted me to come to his place for the weekend. I told him that I would have to let him know. He seemed disheartened, good, I thought, he has to know that I am not going to just jump whenever he says so. Also, given the fact that he intends to get back home today  ( Friday) and ‘do some work’. What he really means is that he will be out drinking with his mate Andy. He really must think I am dumb.

Anyway, in other news I have been offered a 2 bedroom flat, and am going to view it on Sunday with my friend Alex. I am hoping to persuade Alex to move in with me, as a sort of ploy. Firstly, it will probably show C that I am a force to be reckoned with, and will make my own decisions, and secondly I suspect that C wants to move in with me, and I am not ready for that……no way!

I say that because he has left his toothbrush and deodorant in prominant display in my bathroom, just like a cat who sprays their scent somewhere. A few days ago I asked him if he realised his toothbrush was at my place and he said ‘ oh, yeah, I have another one here with me’. I teased him and called him a slut and asked him where else he left his toothbrushes…….he did snigger, eventually.

Am starting to wonder if he has a drink problem, and I am certainly NOT going to get involved with him if that is the case.

Anyway, more news on Monday

And then when it does, it’s your Pdoc

in a panic, following our last conversation where I told him I was considering getting pregnant. He has since been ‘thinking about it’ and ‘discussing it with various colleagues’ and he has told me that he wants me to stop taking the valproate as soon as I can, to lower the dose over the next few days and then stop and he will call me next week to see how I am doing.

I haven’t the heart to tell him that I stopped about a month ago, because that would be admitting to lying to him, and I don’t want to do that. Let him think that it is all his idea……his masterplan………men love that don’t they?