The agony of waiting for the phone to ring……

This is what I hate about getting into a relationship.

The games. My mind bending, mind fuck, ridiculous games, with phones……why do people do it? I know I was a little guilty of it by sending him a text suggesting I come up, but, it’s not NOT communicating is it?

C has not responded to my text of yesterday morning. I called him at 5pm yesterday and his phone was switched off. I tried throughout the evening, still switched off ( I didn’t leave a message). Then this morning, I called, still switched off ( no message), so then I sent a text at 11.am asking if he was ok. STILL no answer, and it is now 1.30pm.

My friend Alex and I were talking about this over dinner last night. Alex (male) called me and the first thing he asked was ‘ Has C called yet?’. In this respect, Alex is like a gay man, he LOVES to sit and ruminate about relationships, you know, who said what and what they may haev meant etc etc.

Alex said that he thinks it could be that C has lost his phone/had it stolen/broken it/lost the charger. I said that I hope for his sake that he has, because if there is no good reason for behaving like this other than he is being a gameplaying tosser then I will have very little problem with kicking him to the curb…….rather brutal possibly, but too bad eh?

Text games!

C called me after I had left work yesterday, but we couldn’t have a proper conversation as he was giving me a blow by blow account of the fact that T was hanging her socks out of their hotel room window, whilst he sat in the garden below.

He mentioned that they( well , she, I mean T) wanted to stay an extra night, but that he wasn’t so sure. He then said that he wanted me to come over to his place at the weekend as his flat mate would be away. I didn’t respond immediately, I was considering whether T’s sudden requirement to stay an extra night was a manipulative act on her part. He seemed concerned that I didn’t respond and I just told him I was thinking and that he should tell me when he had decided what he was planning to do.

He told me they had been for a very long walk up a lovely mountain and that there had been waterfalls and it was very picturesque and that he would love to take me there. I told him that I didn’t have any holiday planned, and that now I am about to start my new job, I wouldn’t be able to take holiday for 3 months from the 28th August. Well, it’s true.

By now, T was getting restless and was hollering something at C to get his attention, and he was responding! I just said ’ You had better go, don’ t keep madam waiting!’. There was definately a touch of sacarine in my tone, but he didn’t spot it.

The call completed, I felt wretched, really disheartened, and pissed off.

Later that evening, whilst sitting and watching the sunset with a glass of rose ( and a spliff!) I sent him a text:

‘ sitting in the yellow bedroom looking at the broken bed……he he’

response ‘ sitting here looking at the cards ( some hippy belief cards that I had given him before he left) and thinking of you. Thinking of you a lot, actually. I miss you, big hugs and kisses xxx.

I responded ‘ am more than a little scared to be honest, its the depth of feeling, its overwhelming.x’

C said ‘ i know baby, it scares me too,thats why we need to take this one day at a time, I want this to work, we just have to take it easy baby xx

I said ‘ poets write prose about it, singers sing about it and writers write about it, but the only people who truly comprehend it is those who experience it’ ( deep eh? well, I was stoned!)

He said ‘ not only comprehend it, but do it too ! xx’

I said ‘ typical, I was trying to be romantic and you go all smutty!’

he said ‘ I know you were, but for once I was lost for words, which is nigh on impossible for me, but I do miss you loads.xx.

Fine, I left it there, later I sent this and it sent him into a flat spin!

‘ I just had an idea, why don’t I come up on Thursday night and come back with you two?’

This freaked him out, and by now I had crashed out in bed and the phone was under the covers, so I didn’t hear it buzz his reponses:

‘ You could, be we aren’t staying an extra night now, they are having a wedding and they need the room. But that means you can come to me for the whole weekend x

then ‘ Look I have no problem with you coming up, there is nothing funny going on, I do really like you, but I want you to just come here with me thats all, T being here would spoil it, trust me on this. I do want you.xx’

Poor C, I didn’t respond all night. I texted him this morning to say ‘ sweetie, I was just kidding! Do you really think I would gatecrash your holiday! Bless! Have a nice relaxing day. Big hugs x.

Yeah, I am a bit of a cow for doing that to him maybe? I just thought I would see how he reacted, it is pretty telling that I hadn’t inferred that I thought there was something funny going on, yet he had to tell me that there wasn’t anything funny going on………..so was there? 

He hasn’t texted me back yet today, I imagine that he is probably quite hungover this morning, and also probably not too pleased at my text saying I was kidding (I was, there is no way I was going to trawl up to Lancashire to bust up his happy holiday and upset T, I need to keep her on side, even though I am suspicious of her motives, and also suspicious of his feelings for her.

Anyway, I have one of my old male friends coming over tonight, so that will keep me fully occupied. Also, Myra has promised to do me a tarot card reading……should be interesting!

Eat my words : see June 11th

Where I declared that I most certainly wasn’t going to have a relationship of any kind for quite a while.

Oh how weak the flesh!

So now I ask myself: 1) how well do I really know C?

2) Is it because we have mind blowing sex and he calls me ‘baby/sexy/darling?’ and brings me coffee in bed and pops over to sainsburys to get my cigarettes

3) Is it just because I am maybe a bit lonely and in need of some company? I dispute this somewhat, as I am spending a lot of time doing the recruitment work for my friends new business and seeing my friends. Besides, I like my own company.

Possibly felt a little vulnerable because yesterday I was in a bad way and no-one bothered to call and check I was ok, even my mother, who knew, but probably avoided calling me because she knew I would rip her head of!

C won’t be back until Friday. Which is no big deal, as I generally don’t see him until the weekends anyway, he tends to like to stay at T’s ( his best girlfriend) at least one night during the week.

I never thought of myself as a jealous person, but the realisation that I may well be is absolutely abhorrent to me. And I don’t know what to do about it.

Handing in your notice

Which I wasn’t looking forward to, but I did it today. And, my boss was entirely too pleasant about it, which didn’t help. I told her it was a case of finances and career progression and she totally understood. What I would have liked her to do was to try and persuade me to stay, or find me more money so I wouldn’t have to go to the new lions’ den of my new job on the 28th August.

Be careful what you wish for because it may come true……aint that the truth?

Pain in the neck

Honestly, I had a cyst removed from the back of my neck yesterday. A small and unimpressive operation, and I was not at all bothered about it. Until the doctor started to caueterise the wound and I could smell my own flesh burning, and I freaked out. I was sweating and hyperventalating and retching…..there was snot and mascara all over the place.

Very embarrasing, especially when you are supposed to be an ‘in control 36 year old woman’.

The nurses ( after they had held me down so that the doctor could stitch me up) advised that I didn’t go into work for the rest of the day. So I went to my friends restaurant and ordered 3 baileys and brandy.

Then I texted C to see how his day was going. He was totally oblivious, he was out to lunch with his dad ( and here is the mildly irritating line ) : ‘T says Hi’.

Yeah, thanks for that T, rub my nose in the fact that YOU are all the way up there in Lancashire having a great time with MY boyfriend and his dad. I sent him a text saying that I was ‘not so good, lots of stitches and best I speak to him another day’.

Then we had a telephonic abysis. Three hours later I got a response, he had apparently gotten pissed and passed out. Then more silence. Fine, but I was suddenly feeling very sorry for myself, NO-ONE had bothered to call and ask how I was. He had even forgotten about it ( to be fair, I hadn’t made a big deal about it before he left). By 10pm last night, I had had a couple of glasses of wine and I wanted to talk to him, if only to tell him how pissed off I was. Phone switched off, so I left a voicemail, bright and breezy.

30 mins later I was more agitated, so I sent a text ‘why is your phone off, who are you avoiding?’…..no reply

1 hour later and  by now I was seriously fed up, so another text: NOT HAPPY.

Sure enough, 9.30 this morning, a text ‘ are you alright babe?’.

Then the excuses:’ I left my phone in the room and the battery died and when I got back at 2 am I was drunk and noticed and just plugged it in, sorry darling how are you feeling today?’

Anyways, he says he will call when I leave work this afternoon. Frankly I may not even answer the call, I don’t like feeling like I am constantly hanging around waiting for a phone call, I don’t like the feeling of being trapped at all. 

Men are like buses………SO TRUE!

So, last night wasn’t my night to see the new boyfriend ( lets call him C). He was going out with his best friend for her (lets call her T) birthday, and then staying over hers. He(C) apparently even has his own room, and leaves clean shirts and pants there…….but he carries his toothbrush around in his laptop bag. Yeah, I thought it was a bit strange too. They are going on holiday together next week. I am not the jealous type, but he (C) is constantly talking about her (T), and told me that people ‘assume that they are a couple’. I wonder if I may be stepping on another woman’s toes? or perhaps he doesn’t realise that he could possibly be in love with her?

I don’t know, and I am not going to overthink it. Just thought that I would bring it up, as I am about to start talking about past relationships and how they haunt you.

My ex husband (lets call him JK) is currently working abroad. He goes over to the states every month. Before he left last time, we had a deep conversation on the phone. He wanted to meet up with me in London, go for dinner and spend the night together. His travel plans changed following the terrorist activities at Glascow airport, so he flew via Luton instead. I was a little disappointed, quite honestly.

Last night I got a text message saying ‘ don’t call me in Miami it’s too expensive’ ( I hadn’t done!), then another text saying

‘ hope everything is ok?’, I responded  ‘yes, fine thanks’.

Now I have a text asking if I still would like to meet up on his return to the UK.

My ex husband (JK) has a live-in 3 year relationship going on. I did ask him when we spoke if he loved her, and he said ‘yes’. I then asked him ‘ well if you do, why do you want to sleep with me?’ and he said ‘ I don’t know’.

Since I met C I haven’t given my ex-husband (JK) or my ex-boyfriend(lets call himE) a second thought. Which is odd, I was with my ex husband(JK) 4 years and my ex boyfriend(E) 3 and a half ( but 6 months of that we weren’t together, I was hypomanic and wanted to live alone). Anyway, what I am wondering is, am I being held in some kind of emotional kid-knapping scenario here?

I have always loved my ex husband. Even when I divorced him. Even when I told him to ‘fuck off’. Even when I met my last boyfriend. If I meet up with him, and he just wants sex, and then he goes back to his girlfriend, I could be seriously wounded. I would also feel like I had betrayed my new boyfriend if I have sex with my ex husband. Surely it would mean that I can’t move on?

Last night I was sorting out some website stuff for one of my friends, with a new friend(lets call him JC) who is building it. He ended up at my place and staying over. In my bed (I slept in my dressing gown). When I woke up this morning,(JC) he was hugging me and naked, I tried not to over-react and dismissed it as something I fully expected. If my new boyfriend knew this would he be happy? I doubt it.

Anyway, so although I haven’t done anything wrong, I feel guilty. I feel guilty to be even thinking about meeting up with my ex husband.

It’s not fair, I haven’t done anything wrong, and yet, I feel guilty. Perhaps I am lying to myself. Maybe I am better off alone and miserable?

A strange conversation with the pdoc

I was keyed up when I got there yesterday afternoon. He could tell I was agitated. We discussed the panic attacks, and he assured me that I managed them well when I told him that when they happened I KNEW they were panic attacks.

He then did that ‘look into my eyes’ stare and asked me ‘what I was doing and thinking when it started’.

Well, the truth was I was lying in bed with the new man, and was thinking that if I didn’t tell him I was bipolar and I messed everything up I would lose him, and the thought of being broken hearted AND depressed scared the shite out of me. But I just told the doc that I didn’t know. There isn’t enough distance between me and the doc and very personal conversations with him un-nerve me, in fact I won’t answer them.

He told me that bipolar patients tend to be very self-absorbed, that most people have an internal conversation going on in their head at most times, but it seems to have a stronger effect on bipolar patients. He told me that in future, rather than hiding away from meeting up with my family or friends when I feel fragile, I should try to go and if the idea of meeting somewhere too busy or stressful is too much, to meet somewhere quieter, like the cinema or for a coffee. He told me to find some community work to take my mind off thinking about myself. Jeez, he made me realise that I am THE MOST SELF OBSESSED PERSON IN THE WORLD………..YUK!

That will make me popular won’t it?

I lied by omission, I didn’t tell him I hadn’t been taking my meds for about 2 weeks now. We discussed valproate and pregnancy, he advised that I should not consider getting pregnant on valproate under any circumstances. Well, that is ok then, ‘cos I am not on valproate. I told him I had a new relationship and that I was thinking of trying to conceive. My pdoc fixed me with his paddington bear stare and asked me how long I had known this guy.

 I said ‘not long’. He asked ‘ a few weeks?’

‘no’ I said

‘a few months’

‘no’ I replied.

He realised then that I wouldn’t tell him. So he tried the ‘paternal’ tack.

‘Perhaps when you are a little more settled in your relationship and you have planned a pregnancy and all the financial and work implications for both of you we can discuss alternative types of medication and work towards a goal together’.

Not at all smug was he? I asked what medication and he said ‘prozac’. Apparently it is the only drug that has not been found ( yet!), to cause birth defects in the first trimester.

Prozac makes me feel trippy, but I have told him this before and he has forgotten. Sounds naughty but I will kinda look forward to that!

I was dog tired yesterday. I went to bed at 10pm, I had only had one glass of wine. I slept from 10.30 to midnight, got up and ate some baileys haagen daas icecream, went back to sleep at about 1, woke at 3am, then woke at 5 am. I feel agitated and irritable. I suppose tonight I should take some olanzapine, but what if I have conceived already?

My throat glands are very swollen right now, I look like a bull frog!, I keep taking paracetamol but it isn’t helping. Man was I in a bad mood this morning. I tried everything: listening to Chris Moyles on Radio 1 ( normally makes me laugh!), bathing and using my favourite soap and wearing my fab green eyeshadow, treating myself to an expensive coffee at the coffee shop, listening to Muse, nothing…….I was SUPER GRUMP.

Hope for my friends sake I am better this evening, I have some work to do helping him set up his new business. Oh well, so much for being self-obsessed!

Falling in love or hypomanic?

That is the question.

The new man in my life and I are getting along very well. Considering we only met on Tuesday last week it feels like my life has become a whirlwind of emotion. It scares me. A lot.

I decided that I should tell him about my condition on Saturday night, he was sitting in the bath and I was washing his back. I was terrified that he would run a mile, literally. Hence my bringing the subject up while he was in the bath.

He shook his head and said ‘ Do you know, I am so relieved, so am I’.

WOW. Pretty unlikely isn’t it? Two people meet on an internet dating site, get emailing and ‘chatting’ and the next thing you know ‘BOOM’, it’s like an explosion.

We have also had a discussion about contraception, or rather, lack of it. He is quite happy for me not to use contraception, and I am quite happy not to also! He is cool with the whole ‘I want your babies’ thing…..which is wierd, we haven’t even been together for a week. Very intense all this isn’t it?

Physically very intense, we can’t keep our hands off each other, we spend hours gazing into each others eyes, it must be embarrasing for other people to watch. All very sweet.

My mind flits around like a fly trapped inside by a window pane, constant distraction. Now that I stopped taking the valproate I am certainly more jittery, probably a bit less coherant too, but if I want to get pregnant, I certainly cannot be taking medication.

This I will discuss with the pdoc this afternoon, I imagine that he won’t be very pleased, we have spent some time getting this medication right, and now all my plans have changed.

Yes, I am about to start a new job in about a month, and maybe the timing is wrong, but, it could take me a long time to get pregnant (if at all!), and what if this is the last chance saloon for me to procreate?

I called my mother on saturday as we were supposed to meet on Sunday. She started quizzing me about ‘new boyfriend?, is he still there? stayed the night did he?’ with a disapproving tone. I got very defensive, I admit. Then she said ‘well if you have better things to do than and see me and your sister tomorrow then don’t worry, we don’t mind’ ( trying the guilt trip). I told her I would be there.

Later I got more angry. How dare she judge because I have a man over and I sleep with him? how dare she then try and manipulate me and make me feel guilty about “if you have better things to do then you don’t have to come”

I sent her a text later that evening saying ‘ sorry, can’t make it, not well’.

By then, I really wasn’t. She had messed with my mind, and I had let her.

Panic, I shouldn’t even use the word: Panic attacks

There you are you see, it’s psychosomatic. Once I used the word, it all happened.

I was stressed on Tuesday, I had to put on the mask of ‘not mentally ill’ to my potential new employers and also my date. Then I had quite a lot of wine, didn’t eat, didn’t sleep, spent all night having sex. The following day I was physically exhausted, so I spent yesterday in bed, with my new sex partner, and had 4 panic attacks.

The last time I had panic attacks I was hypomanic, and wasn’t sleeping well, I was also having an intense sexual relationship, and was really struggling to come to terms with my diagnoses. I was lucky then, I had a great CPN, she was terrific. I was also lucky yesterday, the new guy seems to be very patient, and was INCREDIBLY kind and supportive.

But I am filled with a fear. What will happen if I get attached to him? What if I get really ill and I haven’t told him the diagnoses? should I wait to tell him or should I be completely honest? How would you feel if you were involved with someone and they just didn’t tell you they had a mental illness? would you be scared?

What do I do? I don’t want to have a relationship with someone who is going to treat me like a ‘patient’ like my last boyfriend did, and this new guy is kind, he would find it hard not to.

Urgh…………what a predicament!

Why is it when we get the things we wish for we panic?

So, some time ago I started my blog by listing all the things I was bored with:

1) my job

2) my boyfriend

3) my lack of interesting dramas from my friends……

Since then, I have:

1) left my boyfriend

2) moved into a flat on my own

3) Just been offered a new job with more money and better promotional prospects

4) put myself on a dating website and actually have a date tonight

Today is a BIG day. Today is the day when I define with my new employer HOW much money I am going to get and all the other associated benefits. It is also the day when I meet this new guy face to face. 

I have had the shits all morning, but they seem to have passed off now. Camomile tea is a life saver! ( see title!).

 To disclose or not to disclose…….that is the question!

I have received an application form from my potential new employer, asking me the dreaded question: Do you have a disabiility? which I have left blank, but am now a bit concerned about I will be ‘found out’, especially as they have also asked if I would be wiling to undergo a medical examination ( gulp!). I am guessing that they only send the more senior people for these, and not lowley ‘HR and Administration exec’s’( my new job title), like me!

Anyway, they ALSO want to know what my previous names are, and given that I have had 3 surnames (bear in mind I have been divorced twice and am using husband number 2’s name!), they may well ask for a criminal record check, which is fine, because I am clean ( honest, guv nor!)

The date:

Ok, so this guy and I started emailing yesterday, we spent all afternoon on gmail ‘chatting’, which culminated in him giving me his number and we had planned to meet up in Town on Friday night.

Fine.

Last night, he sends me a text, says he would call but he has been out for a few drinks and doesn’t want to bother me when he has had a few……I text that I would prefer a chat to no chat……then I take the bull by the horns and call him. For one hour.

My phone runs out of credit, so he calls me back……….at midnight he states that we have been talking for 3 HOURS! By then we have decided that we should meet much sooner than Friday and arrange for him to come over to me this evening. Also, he will call me in the morning to wake me…….which he did, but as I din’t get to my phone quick enough he left a voicemail message.

Given that I haven’t even seen this guy in the flesh, and that I have arranged with him to come over and spend the night ( I do have the luxury of 2 bedrooms at the moment!) I am taking a bit of a risk. He sounds perfectly nice, he has told me where he works and I do feel genuinley pretty safe. But this morning I rushed around the flat making sure there were no traces of my ‘alternative mental wellness’ ie: books that refer to it or medications, in sight.

I am a fake and a phoney and one day I will be found out…………but until then! Lets live a little!